A sullen winter

In the creases of the black velvet,

As it grows cold,

The night spreads the arms,

Never really sure ,

If the rain would come...

Thoughts are a riot,

They storm and pour,

Stepping down the ladders,

Of reason and truth,

Excuses to go on,

Promises of a sunshine...

Tell me not to worry,

In a frosted glass house ,

Tell me I can dream..

For these stubborn grey clouds,

May roar and howl,

Tell me you can charm,

The lil' glum beads,

To kiss and wash away,

A sullen winter...

Chapter Closed

The light's too dim,

Door's locked,

Voices fade away,

I erase you out of my book,

The book of the lost,

Page by page,

Every smile,

Every frown,

Blocking out the youth,

The thoughts that mattered,

Breaking away the unspoken agreement,

You took away , what was yours,

In huge chunks,

You took me away too,

I may not start another book,

It is indeed , a "chapter closed"

A E O N

Pale is thy cheek ,

weary are thy eyes,

thou hast carried woe as yer child,

kept it hidden,

misery as yer friend,

agonies yer biography,

truth would decorate thee ,

like a garland in yer soft grey locks,

for yer beauty lies in knowledge,

of years of wisdom,

wrinkled be thy skin,

it holds the folds of life stacked together,

of age ye hast come,

leaving back the vigour,

the youth,

time hath shown signs unto you,

the hands that shooketh not ,

now art frail and shaky,

thou art the pearl of the sea ,

with elegance has time moulded you,

into a jewel ,

O! lady , O! mother,

these hands soothed the warm forehead,

with fever and pain when it suffered,

strengthened and fed the youth,

taught and groomed ,

and let go off,

alone again in thy nest ye rest now ,

with memories ,

treasured and kept precious ,

in the heart that hast stayed young.

Sunset

Dangling at the edge of the day
Bright and warm
The sun drops down
Crimsons and yellows
Slowly slipping away
Into dust
Into haze
The sky is all liquid with agony
The colours melting and merging
Strokes of raptured symphony
Sung melodiously
The soul of the day drowned
Into dark leaping oceans of dread
Wrapped under the sheet of clouds
Golden edged
Baked and ripe
Scarlet dreams spill forth
When the two meet
Hand in hand

S P E L L

A soft whisper,

On the wings of the wind,

Like daisies and lilies and marigold,

Like rain melting the clouds,

Or a distant lark,

My soul shall taste the beauty,

Of rosy hue,

And drowsy numbness,

That thou cast upon me,

A spell so rich,

So warm,

To maketh my heart swell,

In mad pursuit,

In a trance I followeth thee,

Ye are but a sweet melody,

For a feverish heart in desire.

BELIEVER

He is to be felt in the seen & the unseen,

Verily there are signs for the believers,

Be steadfast & do not waiver,

For there are rewards,

Beyond thou imagination,

Thou shalt see & witness its happening,

And then shall it be proved,

Let the faith be blind ,

O ye believer,

Thy strength in in thy preserverence,

For when ye was in agony& thy heart cryeth out for help,

He was closeth to you than thy bossom,

And when thou calleth Him,

He opened his gates of mercy,

So open ye heart unto Him,

He who hath all knowledge,

Of days & nights,

Of moons & sun,

Of seasons and fruits,

So guideth thy soul to piety,

For he is the most gracious.

G Y P S Y

roun' the fire,

danced slowly,

to rythm and beats,

enticingly ,

smoothly ,

the toes moving as a serpent,

slick and suave,

as ambers of fire cast shadows,

flexing the arms,

swirling,

in a rage she moves,

bewitching,

captivating,

glistening skin,

dancing the night away into oblivion..

E n d

O' ye adamite,

behold!

do not rejoice your delay,

as it shall not last,

bow your head,

unto thy creator,

for there is an end,

to the sun ,

to the moon,

to this delusive world,

and to you,

naked shall the soul be then,

an attire of mud and clay cast off,

to return,

to give away ,

which never was yours,

to lie deep in the heart of earth..

LULLABY

So long o' moon ,
Adieu o' my knight,
Kiss me farewell ,
My beau ideal,
Soft and silky against my arms,
Holding your scent,
Lingers and haunts my dreams,
Oasis for my thirst ,
Slow caress,
Sighs,
Dancing shadows,
Tender heart beats,
Secrets hidden in thy sly smiles,
Painful as it is ,
But I part with thee,
O' charmer,
O' necromancer,
Do daze me ,
As I wash away ,
Every single trace,
Resting my head,
On the clouds of prayers,
Sing to me ,
Yet again,
A lullaby,
Ever so sweetly,
Gently,
Divinely,
Cast your spell...

Lost Voices.

I lack the power,

To reach inside and blind out the knavery,

A sense of betrayal and faithlessness,

A perfidy to this sacred engagement,

With myself and my numb soul,

To furnished lies and mockery,

Of twisted accuracy,

I am but an infidel,

Witness to fickle laison with life,

Mirror to misty reflections,

feeble echoes ,

Of lost voices.

O R B

Set free,

Abandon them,

Those crystal balls,

Part with the ambers of rage,

Bright roses of innocence,

Turquoise waters,

Opal dew,

Let go,

Grayness of a cloud,

Holiness of green,

Revolution in red,

Innovation in blue,

Hold it inside,

Conceal the silence,

A cherished desire,

Drift into a peaceful slumber,

Of dusky bleakness,

Of raw desolate twilight.

The last leaf .

Way up,

On a high branch,

Hangs the last leaf,

Golden,

Fragile,

Clinging onto a dried branch,

Spring's last hope,

As autumn is strewn on the ground,

A prediction to an end,

Of flowery ornaments ,

Of blossoms,

Of beauty,

Swaying on a melancholy cold tune,

Wind sealing its fate,

Falling upon dead grass,

To be blown away,

Abandoning its beloved tree,

Withdrawing from all rights to nature,

To wither away,

To vanish.

Madness in form of a reform.

The aim to live well and strive to live , one unfolds the philosophy of happiness and the other peace . One requires controlling passion and the other to kill emotions . To be happy is to have more than the rational mind can concieve and to be at peace there has to be a compromise with life. There is no mystery to God's will , what's required is the understanding of the human society towards the greater plan.It is acceptable to not know the answers , but to stop questioning is distraction from sanity.Does the shame and fear to know more than it is required put a halt to progression ? Does progression fall in sync with happiness?
There can be more theories than we can possibly think but only one solution to achieve what the brain craves , it is to know the difference between knowing things as they actually are or as they seem to be .
The incorrectly drived motivation towards an illusion can ruin the basic concepts .To live in a frenzy of confused emotions and pure lunacy is pure innocence of a drooling child but to impose it with the awareness of a scholar is a crime.There must be checks and balances , a line that could be defined for a movement , to carry out the madness in form of a reform.It is our duty to smoothen a very cornered path , a textured morality which is deeply shaded from the common eye.To use the principles of wisdom on war footing and make it acceptable for a larger audience.To let the disoriented vision fall clear of all blinders and connect with the supereme being . Connect with faith and mission , with decisiveness and discipline of thought.
The art of self control and substitution of obedience can turn the crispness into polite subservience. The willingness to serve the purpose of divine rule , accepting sycophancy and waiting to be rewarded . The reward being obscure and to understand that it will be delivered.
Unfolding the true theology and investing a firm trust in it's integrity.

R I S E !

O ye deluded masses,

rise!

Be not the dull race,

For thy lord is waiting for thee victory,

Open ye arms to the golden sun,

Harvest your strength against storms, rains of gloom and thunders of tyranny,

Spread the warmth & trust,

Justice and freedom,

Learn to hope,

Learn to dream,

Ignite the spark that fuels the soul,

Fall we may,

To hold and to support,

To unite and fight,

And "rise" we shall,

Against all odds,

Against all demons,

Be the voice that shakes every grain,every mountain and every river ,

Rise like waves and leap forward like fire ,

Let not the bloodhounds prey on us,

Rise with vigour and chivalry,

Rise with dignity,

O ye masses !

Rise and unite.

Life In An Hour Glass...

Life of a doctor is more like a cuckoo in the clock , it has to go coookooo every hour whether it wants to or not .Working hard , not spending quality time with the folks or the life partner blah blah blah , hence a pathetic life . It's funny actually how doctors give the best advices about relationships in the clinics and yet they are very poor at it themselves.They tend to overlook the issue and end up face down, deep in the quagmire. It's easy spending more than half of our lives in denial when there are greater more serious problems and distractions at hand . Over worked and exhausted , too tired to try beauty and charms to lure the partners into sweet submission , a marked change in personality and behaviour is prominent. The casual obsession with work , thinking , discussing and even dreaming about it would easily push them away from the real world outside their bubbles . It's easy to mask unhappiness under heaps of books and work because to solve clinical dilemmas they have all the knowledge required , to solve life they need to live. With their days subjected to tasks that gear them up to take charge and in their own special ways , be a boss of their lives and decisions - while when at home the spouse or the partner may not like being bossed around , but then it is too late for them to change . Work is honored more than personal life , it is alright to miss a dinner date than to miss an appointment with a patient. There is a clear disappointment when they are not awed at ,as the patients do.

To live outside all that hassle(work) is not preferred , it is safe not to be thrown into practicality of the issues pertaining to emotions. If sick it is to be delayed till it turns into something serious . The ailments are to be dealt alone and not publicized , a doctor cannot and will not allow others to think he/she is not well. The utopia they live in is normally unseen and incomprehensible by ones even close to them.Their time is just not enough to get involved emotionally let alone flirt every now and then . Although flirting is easier than getting involved , but it requires sessions and demands energies , mental energies that better be spent studying cases . To seek help regarding any of it means they undermine their own capabilities , so to keep it simple , they are their own shrinks , psychiatrists and mentors. Easier said than done , the boundaries many talk of , between work and home are too weak . A healer , a socialist , a doctor to be exact cannot and would not ever rest . It's an even greater trouble if one's marrying someone from the same profession , it is like jumping into a mine , only that you never know when is the blast ( a divorce) expected . Theirs is a home with more medicines in the closets than family photos. Anxiety and nervous breakdowns should never be talked about or disclosed in a doctor's circles . A vacation ends up with emergencies that can't be dealt without your presence or someone filling in your space . Taking a day off means that a funeral has to be attended , anything less than that is negligence and a betrayal with work .

I for one cannot have a concluding word on it , to love nature , children , spouse , relatives , friends , contacts , social circles is GOOD medicine to me - but to live in an hour glass and do it ,is a task we all dream to achieve.

An up and down ride...

Since my brain's on a constant up and down ride ...

Here it goes -

Life is not always your favourite piece of chocolate cake topped with a berry. Phobias are by far the major ingredient of our recipe " de la life" .

In our part of the world it seems to get even more intense . Being a lady the pressures to do well, to behave , to be docile , understanding , to grow up beautifully ( not just grow up ) ,to do exceptionally well at all the household chores , to be able to leave your home and adjust in a new environment , to be able to impress , make a space and then to claim it forvever.To lose an identity and adopt that of others.A bitter pill that is forced down the throat gently.

There is no one to be blamed , this is what we want for us , unless we are crazy enough to deny it and choose an alternate path.The sadness of leaving behind a dream life and head towards the responsibilities you take willingly or unwillingly.An odd anxiety that sneaks up every now and then , with jewellery to clothes to bedspreads to china to every minor detail...with beaming smiles and thudding hearts of the loved ones , lies the very basic fear. There is no one around you could share the feeling with , the parents might go kaboooooom " she's double minded , she doesn't want to go ahead with it " the friends might go " I told you so" and so on.. It's hard accepting the fact that sadness is very much there and it creeps up and grips us up so tight that it's hard to breathe. Marriage is the most precious day of our lives but to be sad , angry , anxious , nervous and even depressed at times is rightly justified , for we have lived a life in a certain way , "our" way , to give that up for something that we haven't had a sneak peak into ...is surely not easy.

Giving up , losing what we have adds up to the sense of "loss" which brings along unwanted feelings... We cut off ties and push away people that could have been closer otherwise to prepare ourselves mentally - knowing well they wouldn't be welcome afterwards. It is a time for us to say our goodbyes , to know that this is the last summer I am "Me" Next summer ,winter , autumn ..hence the entire life we would have to live according to the wishes of people , mould into a newer pattern and be happy about it too. Stepping into the unkown , letting go ...

It's ok to shedd a few tears , give up on HUGE illusions and to learn to accept things as they come to you , part of transforming and becoming a part of transition ..

Time well spent..

Moods can be strange , my cat growled differently at me, my pigeons seem louder than usual , the dog has been howling in a perfect rythm , the dripping tap doesn't seem that irritating, ticking clock and my cell shrieks the usual ring tone " you're my honey bunch ....sugar plum etc etc " .

Took two days off work intentionally, planning things I wanted to catch up on...yet all I did was sleep and have mushy conversations with my better half - not bad actually .

Unflexing the taut and stressed out muscles is ok once in a while . A cup of steaming coffee , untouched , finger tracing the rims , a book half read lying on the bed , propping up on the elbows , lying flat on the stomach, swaying the legs .... wait a sec ? I actually enjoyed myself - been a while since I did that...

Certainly calls for a celebration - some pakoras maybe with loads of " anaar dana" init ..

I did pick up a canvas today ...just wasn't in an emotionally turbulant state , usually need that as a catalyst for some wild strokes.Well then it had to be a little singing , with the quietest corner found, I shyly uncoil the rusty strings in the throat. A few favourite nayyara noor ghazals , tina sani , nazia , vital signs , lata rafi ones ... enough .. let's wash the lounge floor ..crazy yet interesting..

Filled up a bucket , splash water on the marble , take the slippers off , need the cinda - freakin - rella act perfect and then moppin up ... goood ... as good as soul cleansing ...I wipe and wipe and wipe till the palms go sore..

Time to rest ... with a 45 + on the outsides , I draw the curtains , lie back , pick the book again...

Cat of nine tales hmmm why can't that shop keeper get me the prison diaries ..he keeps replacing the ones I buy , never adding anything new to the collection.

Throwing the book back , I grab " whitney my love" Hubba Hubba - this better be good , A woman needs to spoil herself at times . Half book read , excited to finish the rest ..even though the story is SO predictable ... I dose off... tucking myself in the sheets ..hugging the ol worn out teddy...

Waking up to the phone bell , not wanting to leave the warmth of the bed ...."hello - hello - hello " I hang up ,why the hell do they call when they don't want to speak up ...

I look at my image in the mirror-" you're asocial "

So what - " you're a lil messed up in the head too "

I know , I know ..only proves that am a genius -self- ego-boosting -mechanism...

How in the world did I settle for a relationship , amazing , never thought I could - I keep surprising myself ...and others probably ..

Most of my friends knew for sure I was going to die a bachelor or die of an ailment in a dark , moist room with no friends and family . All I did was betray them , step out of the league I so dearly loved and rubbed off a little dramma from their and my life.Not just did I settle for this "ONE" person , I actually stopped admiring good looking opposite gender.Good going! There was a time when after playing the charming docile lady for a while , I would kill the prey and feed it to the dusty pages of history and smile at it laters ...My sadistic tendencies came to a halt all of a sudden when I saw someone very dear suffer because of it.

To this date , I have never understood what rolling along with the momentum of life mean, is it to be who we are , age , achieve , lose and die? Or is it living in an illusion ,grabbing what we can ,taking chances , growing into layers and layers of years , memories , regrets , letting the grains of sand creep away from the cracks between the fingers and a voice that weakens as it goes far away...

Coming back to where I was - it is in these moments that these strange questions stop bothering me as I purge them out of the system ...A load off my chest , time well spent..

100 reasons - why I love my fiance..

1.my fiance's obsession with guns of the patriot and sumtin called solid and liquid snakes ..

2.code word language

3.boiling milk till it's spilt , while he chases a police car in his gta

4.milk rose

5.ltop ( lets talk on the phone)

6.over active imagination

7.his love for Mr.locke

8.copy pasted lyrics ( romantic substitutes )

9.client tales

10.funny , cute stares

11.he laughs when am too angry

12.he sleeps when i stay up ( peacefully)

13.is a dreamer

14.is a go-getter

15.smiles ever so gently

16.smiles ear to ear

17.smiles with a twinkle in the eye

18.watches closely and hears nothing

19.always being right

20.giving funny examples ,mostly irrelevant ones

21. when he goes " ahuoou"

22.that tiger grunt

23. that funny heavy accent with an intentional hoarse voice

24. when he says " ding ding ding"

25.have an important question - long pause - what are you wearing?

26.the way he cheers me up and turns the crappiest day into the best day of my life

27. when we laugh together

28. when he claims to understand a film better than i do

29. his ways of protecting me along with giving me my due space to make my decisions.

30.the way he deals with kids

31.respects me and my ideas

32.the reason i kept writing and painting

33.likes me the way i am

34.listens to the boring details and medical jargons full on.. without complaining :)

35.his hands

36.eyes - oh those eyes ...

37. blue t-shirts

38. his love for religion

39. honesty

40. modesty

41.those precious cute expressions of a "guy in love"

42.my best buddy

43. the one i share secrets with

44.the way he held my hand for the first time and slipped on a ring

45. the first time we saw each other

46. a responsible son

47. a family guy

48.his casual attitude about fashion and yet he is the most fashionable person i know

49.decent

50.my mum finds no fault in him hehe

51. my family and extended family adores him

52.drives smoothly - honks the horns furiously hehe

53. shy and yet a smooth talker

53.works very hard

54. aims high

55. hardly ever gives up

56. man of words

57.a football fanatic

58. listens to my kind of music

59. eats my kind of food

60. watches my kind of movies

61.when we agree to disagree

62.lovely voice

63.when he mimics people

64.his interest in the minor details of what am wearing

65.his favourites in my dresses

66.protects my dignity

67.positivity

69.corrects me gently , without cornering me

70.his never ending flow of the compliments

71. his constant craving to hear my voice

72.funny ways of telling me , he wants to go out

73.when he asks for my help in his work - even when he can do it better than me, i hardly understand anything he does :)

74.his trust in me

75.his care for my family

76.a meaningful stare

77.funny fights

78.i am hurt - ur so sweet - his goodbyes and hellos

79.spending more than he should and still claimin to be a miser hehe

80.reading my mind

81. guessing my moods in a jiffy

82.very logical reasonings - i have to accept ...( except the metaphors hehe)

83. smart

84.quick reflexed

85.witty

86.regarding me as the most important person in his life

87.his recognition of any small good deed i do

88.he's a hottie

89.taking in my tantrums with patience

90.energy trapped in an atom

91.his wanting to be with me

92.planning ahead of time

93.talking about kids

94.late night texts

95.his single worded text saying my name only

96.intimacy

97.knowing my strengths and weaknesses

98.making me feel complete

99. promising a future with him

100.making me feel at home