Thursday, June 26, 2008

Life In An Hour Glass...


Life of a doctor is more like a cuckoo in the clock , it has to go coookooo every hour whether it wants to or not .Working hard , not spending quality time with the folks or the life partner blah blah blah , hence a pathetic life . It's funny actually how doctors give the best advices about relationships in the clinics and yet they are very poor at it themselves.They tend to overlook the issue and end up face down, deep in the quagmire. It's easy spending more than half of our lives in denial when there are greater more serious problems and distractions at hand . Over worked and exhausted , too tired to try beauty and charms to lure the partners into sweet submission , a marked change in personality and behaviour is prominent. The casual obsession with work , thinking , discussing and even dreaming about it would easily push them away from the real world outside their bubbles . It's easy to mask unhappiness under heaps of books and work because to solve clinical dilemmas they have all the knowledge required , to solve life they need to live. With their days subjected to tasks that gear them up to take charge and in their own special ways , be a boss of their lives and decisions - while when at home the spouse or the partner may not like being bossed around , but then it is too late for them to change . Work is honored more than personal life , it is alright to miss a dinner date than to miss an appointment with a patient. There is a clear disappointment when they are not awed at ,as the patients do.

To live outside all that hassle(work) is not preferred , it is safe not to be thrown into practicality of the issues pertaining to emotions. If sick it is to be delayed till it turns into something serious . The ailments are to be dealt alone and not publicized , a doctor cannot and will not allow others to think he/she is not well. The utopia they live in is normally unseen and incomprehensible by ones even close to them.Their time is just not enough to get involved emotionally let alone flirt every now and then . Although flirting is easier than getting involved , but it requires sessions and demands energies , mental energies that better be spent studying cases . To seek help regarding any of it means they undermine their own capabilities , so to keep it simple , they are their own shrinks , psychiatrists and mentors. Easier said than done , the boundaries many talk of , between work and home are too weak . A healer , a socialist , a doctor to be exact cannot and would not ever rest . It's an even greater trouble if one's marrying someone from the same profession , it is like jumping into a mine , only that you never know when is the blast ( a divorce) expected . Theirs is a home with more medicines in the closets than family photos. Anxiety and nervous breakdowns should never be talked about or disclosed in a doctor's circles . A vacation ends up with emergencies that can't be dealt without your presence or someone filling in your space . Taking a day off means that a funeral has to be attended , anything less than that is negligence and a betrayal with work .


I for one cannot have a concluding word on it , to love nature , children , spouse , relatives , friends , contacts , social circles is GOOD medicine to me - but to live in an hour glass and do it ,is a task we all dream to achieve.

Tuesday, June 24, 2008

An up and down ride...


Since my brain's on a constant up and down ride ...


Here it goes -





Life is not always your favourite piece of chocolate cake topped with a berry. Phobias are by far the major ingredient of our recipe " de la life" .


In our part of the world it seems to get even more intense . Being a lady the pressures to do well, to behave , to be docile , understanding , to grow up beautifully ( not just grow up ) ,to do exceptionally well at all the household chores , to be able to leave your home and adjust in a new environment , to be able to impress , make a space and then to claim it forvever.To lose an identity and adopt that of others.A bitter pill that is forced down the throat gently.


There is no one to be blamed , this is what we want for us , unless we are crazy enough to deny it and choose an alternate path.The sadness of leaving behind a dream life and head towards the responsibilities you take willingly or unwillingly.An odd anxiety that sneaks up every now and then , with jewellery to clothes to bedspreads to china to every minor detail...with beaming smiles and thudding hearts of the loved ones , lies the very basic fear. There is no one around you could share the feeling with , the parents might go kaboooooom " she's double minded , she doesn't want to go ahead with it " the friends might go " I told you so" and so on.. It's hard accepting the fact that sadness is very much there and it creeps up and grips us up so tight that it's hard to breathe. Marriage is the most precious day of our lives but to be sad , angry , anxious , nervous and even depressed at times is rightly justified , for we have lived a life in a certain way , "our" way , to give that up for something that we haven't had a sneak peak into ...is surely not easy.


Giving up , losing what we have adds up to the sense of "loss" which brings along unwanted feelings... We cut off ties and push away people that could have been closer otherwise to prepare ourselves mentally - knowing well they wouldn't be welcome afterwards. It is a time for us to say our goodbyes , to know that this is the last summer I am "Me" Next summer ,winter , autumn ..hence the entire life we would have to live according to the wishes of people , mould into a newer pattern and be happy about it too. Stepping into the unkown , letting go ...





It's ok to shedd a few tears , give up on HUGE illusions and to learn to accept things as they come to you , part of transforming and becoming a part of transition ..


Monday, June 23, 2008

Time well spent..


Moods can be strange , my cat growled differently at me, my pigeons seem louder than usual , the dog has been howling in a perfect rythm , the dripping tap doesn't seem that irritating, ticking clock and my cell shrieks the usual ring tone " you're my honey bunch ....sugar plum etc etc " .


Took two days off work intentionally, planning things I wanted to catch up on...yet all I did was sleep and have mushy conversations with my better half - not bad actually .


Unflexing the taut and stressed out muscles is ok once in a while . A cup of steaming coffee , untouched , finger tracing the rims , a book half read lying on the bed , propping up on the elbows , lying flat on the stomach, swaying the legs .... wait a sec ? I actually enjoyed myself - been a while since I did that...


Certainly calls for a celebration - some pakoras maybe with loads of " anaar dana" init ..


I did pick up a canvas today ...just wasn't in an emotionally turbulant state , usually need that as a catalyst for some wild strokes.Well then it had to be a little singing , with the quietest corner found, I shyly uncoil the rusty strings in the throat. A few favourite nayyara noor ghazals , tina sani , nazia , vital signs , lata rafi ones ... enough .. let's wash the lounge floor ..crazy yet interesting..


Filled up a bucket , splash water on the marble , take the slippers off , need the cinda - freakin - rella act perfect and then moppin up ... goood ... as good as soul cleansing ...I wipe and wipe and wipe till the palms go sore..


Time to rest ... with a 45 + on the outsides , I draw the curtains , lie back , pick the book again...


Cat of nine tales hmmm why can't that shop keeper get me the prison diaries ..he keeps replacing the ones I buy , never adding anything new to the collection.


Throwing the book back , I grab " whitney my love" Hubba Hubba - this better be good , A woman needs to spoil herself at times . Half book read , excited to finish the rest ..even though the story is SO predictable ... I dose off... tucking myself in the sheets ..hugging the ol worn out teddy...





Waking up to the phone bell , not wanting to leave the warmth of the bed ...."hello - hello - hello " I hang up ,why the hell do they call when they don't want to speak up ...





I look at my image in the mirror-" you're asocial "


So what - " you're a lil messed up in the head too "


I know , I know ..only proves that am a genius -self- ego-boosting -mechanism...





How in the world did I settle for a relationship , amazing , never thought I could - I keep surprising myself ...and others probably ..


Most of my friends knew for sure I was going to die a bachelor or die of an ailment in a dark , moist room with no friends and family . All I did was betray them , step out of the league I so dearly loved and rubbed off a little dramma from their and my life.Not just did I settle for this "ONE" person , I actually stopped admiring good looking opposite gender.Good going! There was a time when after playing the charming docile lady for a while , I would kill the prey and feed it to the dusty pages of history and smile at it laters ...My sadistic tendencies came to a halt all of a sudden when I saw someone very dear suffer because of it.


To this date , I have never understood what rolling along with the momentum of life mean, is it to be who we are , age , achieve , lose and die? Or is it living in an illusion ,grabbing what we can ,taking chances , growing into layers and layers of years , memories , regrets , letting the grains of sand creep away from the cracks between the fingers and a voice that weakens as it goes far away...





Coming back to where I was - it is in these moments that these strange questions stop bothering me as I purge them out of the system ...A load off my chest , time well spent..
















100 reasons - why I love my fiance..









1.my fiance's obsession with guns of the patriot and sumtin called solid and liquid snakes ..





2.code word language





3.boiling milk till it's spilt , while he chases a police car in his gta





4.milk rose





5.ltop ( lets talk on the phone)





6.over active imagination





7.his love for Mr.locke





8.copy pasted lyrics ( romantic substitutes )





9.client tales





10.funny , cute stares





11.he laughs when am too angry





12.he sleeps when i stay up ( peacefully)





13.is a dreamer





14.is a go-getter





15.smiles ever so gently





16.smiles ear to ear





17.smiles with a twinkle in the eye





18.watches closely and hears nothing





19.always being right





20.giving funny examples ,mostly irrelevant ones





21. when he goes " ahuoou"





22.that tiger grunt





23. that funny heavy accent with an intentional hoarse voice





24. when he says " ding ding ding"





25.have an important question - long pause - what are you wearing?





26.the way he cheers me up and turns the crappiest day into the best day of my life





27. when we laugh together





28. when he claims to understand a film better than i do





29. his ways of protecting me along with giving me my due space to make my decisions.





30.the way he deals with kids





31.respects me and my ideas





32.the reason i kept writing and painting





33.likes me the way i am





34.listens to the boring details and medical jargons full on.. without complaining :)





35.his hands





36.eyes - oh those eyes ...





37. blue t-shirts





38. his love for religion





39. honesty





40. modesty





41.those precious cute expressions of a "guy in love"





42.my best buddy





43. the one i share secrets with





44.the way he held my hand for the first time and slipped on a ring





45. the first time we saw each other





46. a responsible son





47. a family guy





48.his casual attitude about fashion and yet he is the most fashionable person i know





49.decent





50.my mum finds no fault in him hehe





51. my family and extended family adores him





52.drives smoothly - honks the horns furiously hehe





53. shy and yet a smooth talker





53.works very hard





54. aims high





55. hardly ever gives up





56. man of words





57.a football fanatic





58. listens to my kind of music





59. eats my kind of food





60. watches my kind of movies





61.when we agree to disagree





62.lovely voice





63.when he mimics people





64.his interest in the minor details of what am wearing





65.his favourites in my dresses





66.protects my dignity





67.positivity





69.corrects me gently , without cornering me





70.his never ending flow of the compliments





71. his constant craving to hear my voice





72.funny ways of telling me , he wants to go out





73.when he asks for my help in his work - even when he can do it better than me, i hardly understand anything he does :)





74.his trust in me





75.his care for my family





76.a meaningful stare





77.funny fights





78.i am hurt - ur so sweet - his goodbyes and hellos





79.spending more than he should and still claimin to be a miser hehe





80.reading my mind





81. guessing my moods in a jiffy





82.very logical reasonings - i have to accept ...( except the metaphors hehe)





83. smart





84.quick reflexed





85.witty





86.regarding me as the most important person in his life





87.his recognition of any small good deed i do





88.he's a hottie





89.taking in my tantrums with patience





90.energy trapped in an atom





91.his wanting to be with me





92.planning ahead of time





93.talking about kids





94.late night texts





95.his single worded text saying my name only





96.intimacy





97.knowing my strengths and weaknesses





98.making me feel complete





99. promising a future with him





100.making me feel at home























Saturday, June 21, 2008

Tears Of Shame...


My faith in self suffocates ,

The bits and pieces of broken shattered hope plunge into the soft flesh

Is it the bruised ego that clings onto the feathers that might one day make the wings,

Or am forced to believe in the strange myriad rules of the supreme .

I want to wash out the contempt with the rising waves ,

The mightier the tides get to devour me ,

Mightier gets the shame .

The attempts to move forth with force throw me back to where I began .

My knees go honey ,

As I fall to the ground ,

Crawling and trying to grasp and take hold of the fate.

The journey is as long as my flight down the hill ,

A free fall .

Gravity gripping my soul and pulling out all the light ,

All the kinetics of my existence.

I grow short of my wisdom to make for myself,

A dream .

A dream that each grain of sand that I walked upon would make me a home,

That each sunlit sky would be mine,

That my fears would only be proved wrong,

That my safety is in my prayers,

That my mosque is my leader's shrine too,

that my head when covered is to be patted and not blown away,

That when I draw faces in the mud it won't become a grave for the mass,

That when my children play ,they won't step over a landmine,

That I would have beard and wear a turban without fear,

That reading Quran would not be radicalism,

That I can again have the scholars and inventors that made ,what the world is now,

That I can stand and be strong,that I can live , flourish and even die taking His name,

That I see no blood covered bodies,

That I see no childless parents or a parentless child,

That I could be ME without shame,

That when the tears blind my eyes,

My vision to see beyond that does not blur..



Monday, June 09, 2008

It's a mad mad world!


With everything moving so fastly around me , i find a moment to myself.I sit and fidget with my hands ,have i really grown up ? touch a finger to my laugh lines and a fine line on the forehead which appears when am thinking too hard or just pretending to listen .
I want to grow up , just that it is something i can't help . How did mum raise us up? She always seemed so confident and grownup.. what am i going to do with my kids ( when i have some in a few years from now - hopefully) can i possibly ever give them the same values , the same wisdom , raise enough curosity for them to explore their lives just the way we did. Provide them the space to think for themselves , like we had . I feel so tired already . A part of me cannot let go off everyting i have and part of it wants to go over board ...try and experiment , what if i want to return and step back then and i can't - still doesn't stop me from trying. Bowing and holding hands , waiting for a signal from Him . Late night prayers...My passion for doing more and not being able to do so...
It's getting hotter by the day , global warming , earth quakes , rising water tables , more floods , obama saving his ass by having a stricter more fake tone , long march, short march , judges , president , armed forces , my love and my hatred for them , dying bhutto legacy, rule of law , supermacy of law , burning people alive , extremism , my love for the hijab clad brave girls giving out a strong message , news channels , discussions , the only sane person on the media Zaid hamid , police vans blown up , sucide bombers , cj's kids on the media , meds for the govt hospitals sold overnight , patients dying for the lack of health care ,Dr. Abdul Qadeer , the nuclear technologists , the unsung heroes , windmills in the villages illuminating houses , edhi , schools that pay the kids to get education .....where do we stand?
It's a crazy world out there , i want to stop thinking and lay back , the pulse in the temple jumps and keeps me up .